Soul Carving

   The birth of my eighth child is now less than a month away. My body is swollen and at times aches from the precious load it bears. More and more frequently I find myself pausing duirng the day to catch my breath, both literally as well as figuratively.  Ascending the stairs -- pause -- gently massage my belly as I slowly and loudly exhale, like blowing out the candles on a birthday cake.   Hearing the sudden spurts of joyful laughter from my 2 year old as Daddy or an older sibling tickles and plays with her -- pause -- focus in on this one moment and savor it.  The atmosphere of our home feels pungent now, ripe with wonder and anticipation.    Many things are different this time around. We opted not to have an ultrasound this time. That alone has heightened our anticipation tenfold! It's our first time using a midwife instead of an obstetric group. She comes to me, making prenatal visits in my own home. What a perfect fit -- no need to...

Most of my life, I've felt like I've been trying to figure something out -- trying to meet someone's expectations of me, or prove something to someone. Though, just what I'm trying to prove, what the expectations are, or who stipulates what success looks like has always been rather ambiguous and fluid. You can imagine, this produces an amount of anxiety; It's difficult to relax when you're constantly on the lookout for signs of nondescript success. What was it I was supposed to be doing again? If I take this route, will I miss it entirely? What exactly is "it"? Do I lose points for time?  These types of insecurities can quickly drain the motivation and joy right out of you. It's like you're on the clock, but you've missed the memo containing your job description. You're scared to move forward in case you're heading in the wrong direction. You keep yourself in check any time you feel the inclination toward spontaneity, or pleasur...

The Problem We All Live With - painting by Norman Rockwell, 1964        Sitting in the half-light of the college classroom with 2 of my daughters, listening to Ms. Bridges' strong, soothing voice, I was thankful indeed that I hadn't given up. All the waiting and fretting had been worth it.        Weeks before, I had read about the opening night of the Norman Rockwell exhibit at the University's Museum of Art; how Civil Rights icon Ruby Bridges would be speaking, how the lecture was free and open to the public, but seating was limited. What a privilege, I had thought. This could be a once-in-a-lifetime experience for my children. I decided to bring my oldest.        But then, of course, the challenges began to surface. Richard would be out of town that evening on a business trip, so I'd have to arrange for a sitter for the younger kiddos. Then there was a meeting - no, now two meetings I was expected to attend, schedu...

        The way I see it, we're all soul-searching. No matter who we are or where we live, at the most basic level, what we are all truly seeking is to be happy. And it is my humble opinion that this quest is not as complicated or challenging as we often make it out to be.         Abraham Lincoln is attributed with the wise words, "Most people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be." The  concentration camp survivor and  author of "Man's Search for Meaning", Victor Frankl said, "Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way." And in the classic children's novel "Pollyanna" by Eleanor H.Porter, the reverend Ford is inspired by these words, "When you look for the bad, expecting it, you will get it. When you know you will find the good - you will get that."        I'm not saying th...

       Ever read the novel "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens? Neither have I. But I know part of the story. A poor boy, known as Pip, with no connections to speak of, is granted sponsorship from an anonymous benefactor which allows him, among other things, to study at the University and make something better of his life than he would have otherwise been able to.        In a very real sense, I know my Heavenly Father has great expectations for me -- 6 to be exact. Richard and I found out about 4 months ago that we will soon be blessed with a new addition to our family!  I feel much how I imagine the hero of Dickens' novel must have felt. I saw the two lines on my pregnancy test and initially felt absolute shock. (It's absurd, really. I mean, I wouldn't be taking a test unless I had some suspicion that I might be pregnant, so why am I always so surprised when I see the positive result? I think in part it's because I've known the c...

       I had my second midterm exam for Physical Science this week. I was overjoyed to receive an A on the first. But I must admit, I was also very concerned. You see, for a portion of the test we were allowed to go over our answers with a pair of fellow students. I found this collaboration extremely beneficial, and changed many of my answers after discussing them with my partners. But, was my unexpectedly high score merely a reflection of their knowledge? How would I fare the next time around?        Meticulous note-taking, reading and rereading the textbook chapters helped me feel I'd prepared the best I could. So I headed out the door with a light heart, amid the cheerful encouragement of 5 childish voices, heeding Daddy's direction, "Everybody wish Mama good luck on her test!" "Goodluck, Mama!!"              The glorious, crisp October weather kept my spirits bright. And the stroll up the hill on the south...

       Children are pleading for my attention, dinner preparations are stalled, I'm staring at the computer screen with my head in my hands as I realize there's another page of 7 more questions to complete for my homework that's due in 20 minutes. But my class starts in 15 minutes and at this time in the evening, it usually takes me that long to drive there. Then add another 7 minutes to walk from the parking lot to my classroom. It's the second week of classes and already I'm toast. This is how I spell "S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D  O-U-T".        Plus, it's raining out.        So I fumble through the homework questions as best as I can, stuff the textbook into my backpack, throw on a sweatshirt and head out the door, grumbling all the way. In my mind I could hear a calmer, more optimistic me trying to reason with myself.         "Okay, so you're late to class. At least you got the homework done. Feeli...

    Remember how Richard and I celebrated the completion of my statistics class ? Well, I've still got my nose to the grindstone, now with an online American Heritage class. (More about that later). I've got 2 more years to earn my bachelor's degree.      Most people's eyes grow big when they learn about the class I'm taking. " And you're homeschooling, and  leading the Young Women program?" I think they mean to sound complimentary, but it always strikes me as a bit odd. No one ever makes a big deal about the fact that I wake up every morning, and  get dressed, and change 2 diapers, and  manage to finish breakfast before lunchtime rolls around. Not that they should. It's just a part of life, you know - a result of hundreds of small choices made over time, accumulating in a unique personal experience. Nothing extraordinary about that.     Or is there?         Think about it. While I'm guilty of enjoying the fl...

    The first month of a new year is past.     2014 started off with a bang for me. I love beginnings. I love the clarity and and anticipation involved in mapping out your dreams. I was looking forward to some exciting topics of focus for our homeschool, some intellectual growth with a college statistics class I've enrolled in, and more consistency with a "date night" for me and Richard. I was both excited and concerned after Christmas when Richard told me the Bishop would like to meet with me.      In my church, the leader of the congregation (our Bishop) is the one responsible to extend certain assignments to members. We refer to them as "callings" since he makes the decisions prayerfully, seeking inspiration from the Lord to know who should do what within the ward (or congregation). I'd already been serving as a teacher for a class of children, aged 4-5 years old and was eagerly anticipating the changes of a new year which would place my n...