Guideposts

Most of my life, I've felt like I've been trying to figure something out -- trying to meet someone's expectations of me, or prove something to someone. Though, just what I'm trying to prove, what the expectations are, or who stipulates what success looks like has always been rather ambiguous and fluid. You can imagine, this produces an amount of anxiety; It's difficult to relax when you're constantly on the lookout for signs of nondescript success. What was it I was supposed to be doing again? If I take this route, will I miss it entirely? What exactly is "it"? Do I lose points for time?

These types of insecurities can quickly drain the motivation and joy right out of you. It's like you're on the clock, but you've missed the memo containing your job description. You're scared to move forward in case you're heading in the wrong direction. You keep yourself in check any time you feel the inclination toward spontaneity, or pleasure, for these seem trivial matters compared to the looming, mounting pressure of the unknown "should's" and "supposed to's".

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you know I'm a pretty happy person. I'm not suffering from depression. It's not like I'm living under a perpetual rain cloud. I don't talk about tragedy much because, frankly, I don't have much experience with it. So it's not my intent to paint a dismal portrait of my past. Yet, that's also been one of the challenges in dealing with anything unsettling or negative. I've been so blessed. I have strong faith. I'm happy! So why do I feel like something's wrong?

I lived with such worries for a very long time. But through prayer, meditation, studying, talking, thinking, therapy, and (more) praying, I've gradually been able to recognize that I don't have to live that way any longer. I was never intended to!

Now, when I feel a little nudge to do something good, or kind, or thoughtful, I don't have to sit and fret over whether this is the best use of my time, or if I'll have the strength and stamina to follow through with anything else that might be required of me as a result of this choice.

Instead, I live.

I live with the enthusiasm of a kindergartner and a new box of crayons. I live with the recklessness of someone who trusts that anything good, or kind or thoughtful is worth doing, no matter the consequences. I live with the peace of knowing that my mistakes don't have to define or confine me, but can become part of the learning process.

Today, I received a number of signs -- I call them heavenly love notes. They indicated to me that I'm on the right track. They come to each of us: A perfectly timed text from a friend, a particularly poignant phrase from a picture book, or a serendipitous song on the car radio. In the past, I may have noted these, but always with a degree of hesitancy. Could I really be so presumptuous as to believe that these "signs" were meant for me? Even if I hadn't done everything just right? Now, I'm beginning to believe the answer is YES. An unabashed, audacious, YES. They are meant for me. They are meant for you -- lovingly orchestrated to let you know without a doubt, that you are doing the right thing, and that what you are doing matters. Now I can see that this is true.

Now, I get to live in the light.

And it is a glorious place to be.