Soul Carving

Most of my life, I've felt like I've been trying to figure something out -- trying to meet someone's expectations of me, or prove something to someone. Though, just what I'm trying to prove, what the expectations are, or who stipulates what success looks like has always been rather ambiguous and fluid. You can imagine, this produces an amount of anxiety; It's difficult to relax when you're constantly on the lookout for signs of nondescript success. What was it I was supposed to be doing again? If I take this route, will I miss it entirely? What exactly is "it"? Do I lose points for time?  These types of insecurities can quickly drain the motivation and joy right out of you. It's like you're on the clock, but you've missed the memo containing your job description. You're scared to move forward in case you're heading in the wrong direction. You keep yourself in check any time you feel the inclination toward spontaneity, or pleasur...

  "This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it." - Ralph Waldo Emerson I am a contradiction. Spontaneous and thoughtful. Energetic, yet reserved. Dreamy, though realistic. Bubbly, but at the same time, grounded. I'm sure most of you have felt the same way at times. It makes for some interesting inner dialogue. And it's not about good vs. evil - I'm not referring to the light and dark in each of us. Just the simple quirks of personality which make our lives interesting, though sometimes irritating. You see, I'm not philosiphizing over moral issues so much as attempting to choose the best of the many good things that are at my fingertips. In this information age, the vast opportunities we have can be both a blessing and a curse. Friday is open. Should I take the kids to that new indoor playground to let them release some of that pent-up winter energy? Or maybe we could spend the day inside building a pillow fort? Oh...

      Few things thrill me as much as an unexpected cloudburst. That initial surge of excitement that sweeps over me when I hear the rumbling of thunder, sense the clouds billowing in and see the wind lashing rain across the windows - it's pure magic. I don't ever remember being frightened by thunderstorms. My memories are of siblings congregating in sleeping bags while my mother opened the upstairs window and arranged the box fan in front of it. The flash of the lightening illuminated each individual fan blade - time standing still for one fleeting moment, again, and again. Even now, I always seem to sleep better with the rain. Whether it's the lullaby of pitter-patter on the roof or the brilliance and din of a full-fledged storm, I find it very soothing to the soul.      And then of course, there's the glimmering aftermath.       Everything is fresher, cleaner, brighter. The world seems new, vibrant with possibili...

       I mentioned that I've been rising earlier in the mornings to walk a mile before my little ones awake. Sometimes I meet up with friends and we chat for the half hour it takes to cover the ground. But mostly, I've walked in solitude. I liked starting off this way. I could go at my own pace, not feel self-conscience about my "exercise attire" (which doubles as my pajamas) and pause to enjoy the scenery, even take a picture or two. I'm relishing that half hour of quiet reflection, a time to collect my thoughts and appreciate the creation of a new day. I'm not wiped out when I get home. I feel energized. The day seems to last longer and I feel a greater sense of satisfaction and accomplishment when my head hits the pillow at night.        My first morning out on the path I noticed shards of glass littering one area. I carefully stepped around them, lamenting the fact that someone had left such a mess. The next morning I approached the...

       I'm planning on hiking 3 miles with the youth in my church family this weekend. I'm not accustomed to hiking, and I didn't want to be huffing and puffing the whole way, so in anticipation,I've been rising earlier than usual this past week to take a brisk 1 mile walk each morning. I've thoroughly enjoyed it,and the timing has worked out so conveniently - a real rarity in life with a newborn! I've gotten to know some of my neighbors better, meeting them on the walkways, sometimes trotting alongside each other for a mile. I've looked forward to my walk eagerly each morning. . . until today.        My body was an aching mess. I'd spent too many hours in the sun the previous day and then too many more on the computer doing homework that night. The canker sore forming on the tip of my tongue was a tale-tell sign that I hadn't been eating as healthily as I ought, and the back of my neck and legs were suffering from an itchy sunburn. Maybe I could...

       I had my second midterm exam for Physical Science this week. I was overjoyed to receive an A on the first. But I must admit, I was also very concerned. You see, for a portion of the test we were allowed to go over our answers with a pair of fellow students. I found this collaboration extremely beneficial, and changed many of my answers after discussing them with my partners. But, was my unexpectedly high score merely a reflection of their knowledge? How would I fare the next time around?        Meticulous note-taking, reading and rereading the textbook chapters helped me feel I'd prepared the best I could. So I headed out the door with a light heart, amid the cheerful encouragement of 5 childish voices, heeding Daddy's direction, "Everybody wish Mama good luck on her test!" "Goodluck, Mama!!"              The glorious, crisp October weather kept my spirits bright. And the stroll up the hill on the south...

       Children are pleading for my attention, dinner preparations are stalled, I'm staring at the computer screen with my head in my hands as I realize there's another page of 7 more questions to complete for my homework that's due in 20 minutes. But my class starts in 15 minutes and at this time in the evening, it usually takes me that long to drive there. Then add another 7 minutes to walk from the parking lot to my classroom. It's the second week of classes and already I'm toast. This is how I spell "S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D  O-U-T".        Plus, it's raining out.        So I fumble through the homework questions as best as I can, stuff the textbook into my backpack, throw on a sweatshirt and head out the door, grumbling all the way. In my mind I could hear a calmer, more optimistic me trying to reason with myself.         "Okay, so you're late to class. At least you got the homework done. Feeli...

    Remember how Richard and I celebrated the completion of my statistics class ? Well, I've still got my nose to the grindstone, now with an online American Heritage class. (More about that later). I've got 2 more years to earn my bachelor's degree.      Most people's eyes grow big when they learn about the class I'm taking. " And you're homeschooling, and  leading the Young Women program?" I think they mean to sound complimentary, but it always strikes me as a bit odd. No one ever makes a big deal about the fact that I wake up every morning, and  get dressed, and change 2 diapers, and  manage to finish breakfast before lunchtime rolls around. Not that they should. It's just a part of life, you know - a result of hundreds of small choices made over time, accumulating in a unique personal experience. Nothing extraordinary about that.     Or is there?         Think about it. While I'm guilty of enjoying the fl...

    The first month of a new year is past.     2014 started off with a bang for me. I love beginnings. I love the clarity and and anticipation involved in mapping out your dreams. I was looking forward to some exciting topics of focus for our homeschool, some intellectual growth with a college statistics class I've enrolled in, and more consistency with a "date night" for me and Richard. I was both excited and concerned after Christmas when Richard told me the Bishop would like to meet with me.      In my church, the leader of the congregation (our Bishop) is the one responsible to extend certain assignments to members. We refer to them as "callings" since he makes the decisions prayerfully, seeking inspiration from the Lord to know who should do what within the ward (or congregation). I'd already been serving as a teacher for a class of children, aged 4-5 years old and was eagerly anticipating the changes of a new year which would place my n...

     We'd had a rough morning. I was regretting our decision of the previous evening to allow the two oldest children to stay up late watching a holiday movie. Our hopes of getting to church on time were deteriorating fast in the face of mounting hysteria. Welcome, welcome, Sabbath morning.      Miraculously, my patience remained intact. Everyone else went ahead while I stayed with the straggler. But even though we were running late, I had to dodge back inside for the camera when I saw what the Winter Fairies had been up to during the night. A wonderland of breathtakingly intricate beauty lay spread out before us.  Remember the heavenly love-note I found at the park? Here's another one! Amazing how something so icy cold can warm your heart.           Whether it's the uncommonly cold winter temperatures that are sweeping the nation, or a personal gloomy chill that's se...

          We discovered a wonderful park, hemmed in by the regal mountains on one side  and an inviting creek trail on the other.        It was a beautiful day, filled with so many of the things I love. And it seemed Heaven agreed. Just look at the love note I found waiting for me along the trail. . .      I believe we all receive love notes along our way, though sometimes they're not as easy to spot. But I think I'll keep a sharper lookout from now on. On those days when nothing seems to go as I've planned, I'll open my eyes to the many coincidences that have taken place. A favorite song that comes on the radio at just that moment when I'm feeling I've been stuffed in the car too long. A murmured "thank you" from a grateful child when I thought no one had noti...