The Life I've Chosen

   The birth of my eighth child is now less than a month away. My body is swollen and at times aches from the precious load it bears. More and more frequently I find myself pausing duirng the day to catch my breath, both literally as well as figuratively.
 Ascending the stairs -- pause -- gently massage my belly as I slowly and loudly exhale, like blowing out the candles on a birthday cake. 
 Hearing the sudden spurts of joyful laughter from my 2 year old as Daddy or an older sibling tickles and plays with her -- pause -- focus in on this one moment and savor it.
 The atmosphere of our home feels pungent now, ripe with wonder and anticipation.

   Many things are different this time around. We opted not to have an ultrasound this time. That alone has heightened our anticipation tenfold! It's our first time using a midwife instead of an obstetric group. She comes to me, making prenatal visits in my own home. What a perfect fit -- no need to arrange for sitters or take time away from my growing family. I can prioritize my health needs without disrupting the flow of my life. She provides me instruction, not arbitrary information and routine testing. Each detail is tailored to the specific desires and needs of myself and the baby. She is a support and protector, standing gaurd, but never interfering, only facilitating.
-- Pause -- Give thanks for this blessing.
   It's our first time planning to birth at home. Richard ordered a birthing pool. It waits in a huge red crate, ready for us to rearrange the furniture, to make room for it, to create a sacred space for this sacred event. And even after it has been removed, that sacred space will remain, housing the presence of a new soul dwelling among us.
-- Pause -- breathe a sigh of relief that the wait is almost over!
   I sent invitations to women I admire to attend a Mother's Blessing -- something rather different than your traditional baby shower. It is a time for women to gather in support of an expectant mother, to offer courage and confidence as the birthing time draws near.
-- Pause -- Breathe in the realization that all these differences are the results of intentional and deliberate choices we've made to align our actions more closely with the truth we feel pulsing within our spirits. I've chosen to push aside any habits or traditions that would sweep me along without my consent to a place where life just happens. Instead, it is my desire to be an active participant, a willing and competent traveler. Control is an illusion. I don't seek to manipulate the current, only to navigate it.

--Pause--

This time, I inhale and exhale silently, tuning in to the beating of my heart. There is a hushed stillness, like that moment when you dive under the water and everything around you shifts. Sounds become muffled, and if you open your eyes, your vision becomes clearer, though you no longer see any of your familiar surroundings. Everything is new, different, brighter. Even so, as the rythym of your beating heart fills your ears, you can't help but feel safer and more secure than you ever did on the surface -- like this life, in the stillness hidden under the waves, this is where you were meant to be all along.