STOP, and just love.

       I've been uploading old photos, trying to get everything in one spot. We've been using some form of digital camera for 10 years now, so it's been quite the walk down memory lane. The first snapshots were taken back when we only had two kids - two kids!! Oh, the ease of those days. I have now become that middle-aged mother whom 12-year-old Bethany used to babysit for. The one whose framed wedding pictures I would examine with a gasp, marveling at how different the couple now looked! Now, 34-year-old Bethany is examining photos of her family from 10 years ago, and I've recognized something that needs to change.
        I'm pouring over baby photos of my now 11-year old, and clutching my heart at how agonizingly adorable he and his big sister were back then. I'm awestruck at how quickly they have grown and at the thousands of changes we've all experienced in a 10 year period. I look at pictures of a younger and, sometimes disheveled, husband and I remember his late nights, working multiple jobs and studying at college to provide for his growing family. I swoon over him - then and now, as his devotion has only grown stronger these past 10 years.
       Then I view pictures of myself.
       I cringe inwardly.
       It might start benignly enough. I identify one taken on a bad hair day, or from an unflattering viewpoint. Some of them bring back nagging feelings of doubt, of shame. I remember the emotional turmoil I was experiencing at the time one photo was taken. I recall some mistake I'd made or something important I'd neglected to do around that time. I notice an awkward stance, a forced smile or some ill-fitting outfit and think to myself, "Uggh, what was wrong with me?"
      This negativity began escalating until it felt almost like an audible noise, threatening to drown out everything else.  Soon, all the other photos became tainted. A cherished scene of younger mom-me holding a toddler on my hip suddenly darkened into a fault-finding fest. (Not that I was doing this intentionally. I'm able to write about it now, in retrospect, but at the time I couldn't see the damage as clearly.)
       One night as I scrolled through these photos I could "hear" these accusatory thoughts building.  Another wave of criticism began roiling, and as it swelled, looming over me, I suddenly felt my own inner-voice command,

"STOP."

       The effect was immediate, an utter cessation of the negative flow. No wave crashed down on me. I felt relieved. And my inner-voice continued:

"We're not going to do that anymore. Be kind to that woman.

 Extend her the same love and acceptance you feel when looking at pictures of your babies. 

Stop finding fault with her. Just love her."

       Now I will be frank, there are plenty of pictures that still cause me to roll my eyes, or remind me of painful experiences. And honestly, there is a stark contrast between photos taken of me when I'm hurting and those taken during happier times. Stopping the self-criticism doesn't mean putting on rose-colored glasses and living in perpetual denial. But it does mean putting a stop to the blaming. Guilt incenses me to find fault with a version of me that's defenseless. Heaping criticism onto my past self places a burden on her that she is incapable of, and unjustly expected to bear. 

       Christ taught, "Ye shall know them by their fruits". When you allow a seed of negativity to take root in your heart or mind, the only harvest you'll reap is one of shame and despair. Unfortunately,  negative crops store very well (especially when kept in a dark, gloomy place). Hope, on the other hand, can be a frail commodity. But, if nourished with positive, uplifting truths, and warmed by patience, it yields abundant results.

       Stemming the tide of self-ridicule is difficult. It can be cleverly disguised as "teasing", "telling it like it is", or "keeping it real". 

Baloney.

       You wanna hear it like it really is? You wanna know what's real?

Love. Love is real. Love is truth. Where criticism and fault-finding hurt, exploit and defeat, Love is what heals, shelters and motivates. I believe that love is the way to build up and restore confidence - both in our selves and those we care for. So I'm making a 180. I'm slamming the breaks on judgement and critique, and steering this car onto the "higher-way" of love. I'm sure to encounter some potholes and tight turns along the way - the road is still under construction, and not as frequently traveled as Disparagement Drive. But it's the only one that'll get me to where I want to go.

       I look again at myself in those old photos and I reassure her that she's safe. It's okay to be where you are. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. You are loved, just as you are. You're safe. And you're loved. 

You are loved.